First Step Men's Therapy helps men across Ontario, Canada develop healthier relationships with themselves and others. We offer individual, couples, and group counselling to men and their families online using our secure telehealth platform. We also offer therapy to partners seeking support for betrayal trauma.
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Note: We work with partners that have been betrayed by their partner and experience betrayal trauma. Additionally, we also offer couples counselling in our clinic.
What is Betrayal Trauma?
Men who come to us for help with compulsive sexual behaviours such as a sex or porn addiction, or for infidelity, lying, or secret-keeping often share that their partner has experienced significant betrayal trauma as a result of their actions and choice. So what is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal Trauma occurs when trust in someone or something has been broken
Betrayal trauma is a painful wound that is created when one's trust in another has been broken. It is often referred to as a trauma, as partners who experience betrayal often exhibit symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Symptoms of betrayal trauma in a partner include:
emotional instability
hypervigilance and fear
confusion
self-blame
impact on sexuality (becoming overly sexual after trauma)
damaged self-esteem
nightmares and intrusive thinking
substance use (alcohol/drugs)
preoccupation
grief
public embarrassment
anger
ambivalence and withdrawal
shame
Drip-drop confessions and disclosures normally inflict further mistrust and pain
For many partners, this experience can be further distressing by repeated, staggered disclosures that often include small bit of information over time that can lead to further betrayal and negative effects on one's self and overall functioning. This pattern is common when an individual is addicted to a particular behaviour, such as sex or porn, where the goal for the addicted individual is damage control and an attempt to minimize behaviours and consequences.
For partners struggling with betrayal trauma, it is important to remember that:
self-care is important as you go through a very difficult time
you are not responsible for the betrayal
support is key - ensure you have access to friends, therapy, and support groups for betrayed partners
boundaries are an important part of healing - boundaries with self, partner, and others
Can therapy help me or my partner suffering from betrayal trauma?
Therapy is often essential for both partners, as one works on their addictive behaviour and the root causes of their acting out behaviour while the partner receives support in working through their trauma of being betrayed by those closest to them.
Here are some ways therapy can help:
Creating a Safe Space: Therapy provides a safe and confidential environment where individuals can openly express their thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment. This safe space is crucial for processing the emotions associated with betrayal trauma.
Exploring Emotions: Therapists help clients explore and understand their emotions related to betrayal, such as anger, sadness, fear, and confusion. By acknowledging and validating these emotions, individuals can begin to work through them constructively.
Identifying Trauma Triggers: Therapy helps individuals identify triggers that worsen their trauma symptoms. These triggers could be certain situations, memories, or even specific words or actions. Once identified, therapists can work with clients to develop coping strategies to manage these triggers effectively.
Addressing Trust Issues: Betrayal often leads to trust issues in future relationships. Therapy helps individuals address these trust issues by examining past experiences, challenging negative beliefs about trust, and learning to trust themselves and others again gradually.
Building Coping Skills: Therapists teach coping skills and techniques to help individuals manage distressing emotions and reactions. This may include mindfulness techniques, relaxation exercises, assertiveness training, and communication skills.
Processing and Healing: Through various therapeutic approaches such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), trauma-focused therapy, and psychodynamic therapy, individuals can process their trauma, gain insights into patterns of thinking and behavior, and work towards healing and recovery.
Rebuilding Self-Esteem: Betrayal trauma often damages self-esteem and self-worth. Therapy helps individuals rebuild their self-esteem by fostering self-compassion, challenging negative self-talk, and promoting self-care and self-validation.
Overall, therapy provides a structured and supportive framework for individuals to navigate the complex emotions and challenges associated with betrayal trauma, leading to healing, personal growth, and the restoration of trust and well-being.
One particular process that can be helpful for betrayal trauma is a therapeutic formal disclosure, a process that has shown to be helpful in the healing process as both individuals and as a couple.
What is a therapeutic formal disclosure?
Therapeutic disclosure often involves each partner receiving help from a qualified therapist and both therapists working together to collaborate on a disclosure plan. Therapeutic disclosure is only recommended for couples wishing to stay together and work on the relationship, as the process requires commitment, honesty, and engagement. Therapeutic disclosure is also recommended once both partners feel stable, have adequate supports in place, and are not in any active addiction that may cause further damage to the relationship.
In the therapeutic disclosure, both partners have a chance to share about their experience; the partner who betrayed is offered a chance to share their purpose for the disclosure, a brief summary of behaviours that pre-dated the relationship, a thorough but not overly-detailed description of betrayal events, a cost estimate summary, and a declaration of boundaries, self-care, and commitment to working on the relationship. For the betrayed partner, therapeutic disclosure is an opportunity to ask questions and, after the disclosure, write and share an impact letter. The final stage is an emotional restitution letter done by the partner that betrayed.
Working with a qualified CSAT therapist can be a helpful part of the healing process
Working with a qualified therapist is an important aspect to the disclosure process. Certified Sex Addiction Therapist's (CSAT) have extensive training in partner betrayal trauma, addiction and intimacy disorder, and engaging in the process of therapeutic disclosure. First Step Men's Therapy has several CSAT therapist's on staff who can assist you with this process, and we also offer couples counselling for those wishing to integrate both individual and couples counselling into their recovery plan.
How can therapy play a role in healing from betrayal trauma?
For more information on betrayal trauma and sex addiction, visit our pages here:
Sex Addiction Therapy: Click here
Porn Addiction Therapy: Click here
Trauma & PTSD Therapy: Click here
Working with a CSAT blog post: Click here
Trauma PTSD Therapy and Sex Addiction Therapy in Ottawa, Toronto, Oakville, Burlington, Hamilton, Mississauga, Brampton, Kingston, London, Barrie, Windsor, St. Catherines, Sudbury and Kitchener-Waterloo and across Ontario.